Do Manners Still Matter?
"Good manners are so rare these days that some mistake them for flirting." The comment, which may sound hilarious, speaks volumes about the sad reality we live in.
Once of compulsory learning and usage from an early age, simple expressions such as “Good morning”, “Thank you”, “Excuse me” and “I’m sorry” are ever less frequent in our everyday vocabulary, disappearing even from the entertainment we consume in films, TV series, books, etc.
It seems as tough the base way of the blunt is winning ground as the polite conventions of more gentile people are ditched in favour of quick, simple informality. Some argue that there’s ‘no time’ for politeness these days and that it doesn’t matter anyway.
But, can we be so sure about that?
Good manners and politeness are like oil to any relation, however fleeting. Good manners will ease most situations - and there’s even a deep evolutionary reason behind it.
Image: Vector Stock
It is a proven fact that we feel better when bestowed a little courtesy. As Abraham Lincoln aptly pointed, “a drop of honey gathers more flies than a gallon of gall.” That was as true when he stated it as it is now.
Using courtesy and good manners brings out the best in us for the sake of harmonious living with others, a far cry from individualistic attitudes that only consider the self.
And still, some people will feel uncomfortable about courtesy and politeness, regarding them as ‘affectations’ or ‘dishonest attitudes’.
This view implies that only rudeness and coarseness are ‘sincere’, and it’s a sorry concept that reveals a rather angry view of the world.
Eating in the subway is a rude and antisocial behaviour.
Since the 1980's, there’s been a global trend of skipping all manners and courtesy in favour of bluntness, for the sake of 'honesty' and quick results.
Increasing competitiveness has validated assertiveness as an acceptable and desirable behaviour, installing a cutthroat style in social exchanges, particularly in corporate environments.
This trend, however, later transferred to other environments, such as colleges and even schools, intensifying with the rise of social media and its ease to hide identities.
Other modern trends, such as liberated education for children and the ultra-feminist movement, have further undermined the use of courtesy and nice manners, going as far as considering certain genteel gestures -such as a man opening the door for a woman- as offensive.
This negative view of courtesy has caused that many have ceased to use it for fear of being reprehended.
Apparently, it’s not always acceptable to be polite these days. Or is it?
Good manners are not a set of arbitrary rules that someone just came up with, but a collection of useful suggestions of behaviour compiled over thousands of years of human evolution.
Manners and civilization evolved hand in hand. This was not coincidental - good manners evolved precisely at the same time as humanity gathered in tribes to survive, trying and testing the best formulas to win friends and appease enemies, avoid confrontations and keep problems at bay.
Over thousands of years of trial and error, the leaders of all these tribes - by then called ‘kingdoms’- realized that there were certain actions, behaviours and attitudes they could do to ensure a more amicable relationship with both friends and foes, and thus good manners were born.
At its core, good manners are rules of social survival.
No civilization can flourish in a state of constant upheaval; peace is necessary to evolve and grow, and good manners were - and still remain - the best way to ensure that the chaos of individualities are contained and peace endures.
In fact, as simple as they may seem, the constant use of good manners favour order and peaceful co-existence within a society.
Nowadays, as the world seems to sink into increasing turmoil and chaos, and population expands further than ever in history, it’s a good idea to rescue the traditional values that previous generations considered obsolete and ‘out of fashion’.
While some have confected detailed lists of ‘good manners’, such as Emily Post’s rules of Etiquette or the Carreño Manual, you don’t really need to memorize a long list of rules to behave properly.
Simply be considerate to others, be mindful of how your actions may affect those around you, and use your common sense.
Imagine someone who chews with his mouth open, speak with offensive language, makes loud noises when drinking, burps loudly and cleans his mouth with his sleeve. What impression does that person give you? Would you trust him? Is he someone you’d like to relate to?
People who follow a rude conduct in public may think they’re ‘liberated’, but in fact their attitude alienates others and themselves from the rest.
Good manners are not only the best way to live in harmony within a group, showing respect towards others, but they also demonstrate that we love and respect ourselves.
Some regard courtesy and good manners as a ‘weakness’, and deem someone who uses it as a wimp, when the opposite is often the case.
As an old Spanish saying goes: Using courtesy does not diminish one’s bravery.
As with all habits and social conventions, manners evolve along with human needs and customs. Thus, what was once considered a normal action of etiquette in the past (such as bowing and kissing a lady’s hand when a gentleman was first introduced to her), becomes obsolete and even ridiculous in more contemporary periods.
However, what never goes out of fashion is showing our respect towards others.
And we do that through small actions of courtesy and consideration (such as giving up one’s seat to seniors and handicapped), as well as standard formulas of politeness (saying “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me”, etc.).
Simple and costless, yet very effective.
On a psychological level, good manners (or lack thereof) affect our brains and the way in which we respond to social stimuli.
Psychologist and researcher Naomi Eisenberger and her colleagues at UCLA found that perceiving rude attitudes activate signals of mistrust in the brain, indicating us that the offender is not welcome in a group. This, as found by neuroeconomist Paul J. Zak, produces a spike in testosterone, which predisposes an aggressive response in the individual.
Researchers have found the opposite of good manners. Bestowing and receiving courtesy activates the release of oxytocin (a.k.a. the ‘feel good’ hormone) in the brain.
Oxytocin counteracts the effect of cortisol (a.k.a. the ‘stress’ hormone) and has a calming effect. We feel at ease and happy and are more prone to trust and feel generous. In fact oxytocin is the hormone that helps us fall sleep and fall in love.
In addition to these neurological findings, psychologists have also found that being kind to others was used as an evolutionary tool to expand our social circle and bond, both of which were fundamental to our survival.
Over the centuries, as social conditions changed and rules of behaviours became more codified, manners developed into more situation-specific actions called ‘Etiquette’.
These rules are still essential in certain environments and events, such as work interviews, business meetings, or even in special situations (attending funerals or weddings, protocol events, emergencies, etc.).
Even with today’s speed-of-light communications, it’s specially important to keep a good dose of tech-etiquette to help us navigate the virtual world without bumps.
Some of the most common mistakes in social co-existence and lack of manners are:
* Eating and drinking in the subway or enclosed public spaces not destined for it.
* Not yielding your seat to seniors, pregnant women or disabled people
* Hogging the sidewalk when walking in the street.
* Texting or making phonecalls when at the table or in meetings with others.
* Forget to send birthday and holiday greetings to relatives, friends and close ones.
* Not replying to letters, emails, calls or messages.
* Not replying to greetings in general.
* Speaking in shouts or playing loud music that disturbs others.
* Tossing garbage on the street.
* Not covering your mouth when sneezing or yawning
* Being always late for meetings and appointments.
Many rules of politeness are so ingrained within the fabric of social conduct that they’re considered to be common sense. In spite of this, many people still decide to ignore these conventions, with a consequent negative impact to their social interactions and to the overall level of social exchanges in their community.
We may not notice it, but every small action we do or don’t causes an impact in others, which multiplies and expands throughout our social fabric.
Thus, if not promptly opposed and corrected, what at one point began as an isolated action is replicated exponentially, and ends up becoming a standard conduct among the members of a society.
We often forget that each one of us creates the society we live in.
Although rules of behaviour are not universal and may vary from region to region, many of them are quite standard worldwide, such as respecting elders and being mindful of your actions so as not to offend others.
As with many cultural habits, good manners are also more valued in certain cultures than others.
While most of the Western world has relaxed considerably on its rules of etiquette and politeness since the 20th century, in Asia and the Middle East they are still highly regarded and enforced, and anyone breaking these rules exposes himself to a public rebuke.
Having good manners is more than merely repeating a formula of trite words - courtesy and politeness require conviction and are an attitude towards life that speaks about our own quality as human beings.
Good manners are the framework that made possible all civilizations.
In order to keep the benefits from peace and freedom that we take for granted, and ensure they remain with future generations, we must rescue good manners as one of the most important values of our social interaction and co-existence.
Being polite, courteous and respectful doesn’t take time nor cost a penny, yet it helps us build a more agreeable and harmonious living environment and it’s essential to our survival.
As French essayist Joseph Joubert once stated, “Politeness is the flower of humanity”.
Cultivated through a millennia of evolution, and still flourishing fresh and new in all those who apply it - Who will you offer your flower to?
Sources: Psychology Today, Wikipedia.
This trend, however, later transferred to other environments, such as colleges and even schools, intensifying with the rise of social media and its ease to hide identities.
Other modern trends, such as liberated education for children and the ultra-feminist movement, have further undermined the use of courtesy and nice manners, going as far as considering certain genteel gestures -such as a man opening the door for a woman- as offensive.
This negative view of courtesy has caused that many have ceased to use it for fear of being reprehended.
Apparently, it’s not always acceptable to be polite these days. Or is it?
Howard Terpning,“Council of Chiefs”
Good manners are not a set of arbitrary rules that someone just came up with, but a collection of useful suggestions of behaviour compiled over thousands of years of human evolution.
Manners and civilization evolved hand in hand. This was not coincidental - good manners evolved precisely at the same time as humanity gathered in tribes to survive, trying and testing the best formulas to win friends and appease enemies, avoid confrontations and keep problems at bay.
Over thousands of years of trial and error, the leaders of all these tribes - by then called ‘kingdoms’- realized that there were certain actions, behaviours and attitudes they could do to ensure a more amicable relationship with both friends and foes, and thus good manners were born.
At its core, good manners are rules of social survival.
No civilization can flourish in a state of constant upheaval; peace is necessary to evolve and grow, and good manners were - and still remain - the best way to ensure that the chaos of individualities are contained and peace endures.
In fact, as simple as they may seem, the constant use of good manners favour order and peaceful co-existence within a society.
Nowadays, as the world seems to sink into increasing turmoil and chaos, and population expands further than ever in history, it’s a good idea to rescue the traditional values that previous generations considered obsolete and ‘out of fashion’.
While some have confected detailed lists of ‘good manners’, such as Emily Post’s rules of Etiquette or the Carreño Manual, you don’t really need to memorize a long list of rules to behave properly.
Simply be considerate to others, be mindful of how your actions may affect those around you, and use your common sense.
“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings
of others. If you have that awareness, you have
good manners, no matter what fork you use.”
- Emily Post
Imagine someone who chews with his mouth open, speak with offensive language, makes loud noises when drinking, burps loudly and cleans his mouth with his sleeve. What impression does that person give you? Would you trust him? Is he someone you’d like to relate to?
People who follow a rude conduct in public may think they’re ‘liberated’, but in fact their attitude alienates others and themselves from the rest.
Good manners are not only the best way to live in harmony within a group, showing respect towards others, but they also demonstrate that we love and respect ourselves.
Some regard courtesy and good manners as a ‘weakness’, and deem someone who uses it as a wimp, when the opposite is often the case.
As an old Spanish saying goes: Using courtesy does not diminish one’s bravery.
Diego Velazquez, “The Surrender of Breda” (1634)
As with all habits and social conventions, manners evolve along with human needs and customs. Thus, what was once considered a normal action of etiquette in the past (such as bowing and kissing a lady’s hand when a gentleman was first introduced to her), becomes obsolete and even ridiculous in more contemporary periods.
However, what never goes out of fashion is showing our respect towards others.
And we do that through small actions of courtesy and consideration (such as giving up one’s seat to seniors and handicapped), as well as standard formulas of politeness (saying “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me”, etc.).
Simple and costless, yet very effective.
Image: Vector Stock
On a psychological level, good manners (or lack thereof) affect our brains and the way in which we respond to social stimuli.
Psychologist and researcher Naomi Eisenberger and her colleagues at UCLA found that perceiving rude attitudes activate signals of mistrust in the brain, indicating us that the offender is not welcome in a group. This, as found by neuroeconomist Paul J. Zak, produces a spike in testosterone, which predisposes an aggressive response in the individual.
Researchers have found the opposite of good manners. Bestowing and receiving courtesy activates the release of oxytocin (a.k.a. the ‘feel good’ hormone) in the brain.
Oxytocin counteracts the effect of cortisol (a.k.a. the ‘stress’ hormone) and has a calming effect. We feel at ease and happy and are more prone to trust and feel generous. In fact oxytocin is the hormone that helps us fall sleep and fall in love.
In addition to these neurological findings, psychologists have also found that being kind to others was used as an evolutionary tool to expand our social circle and bond, both of which were fundamental to our survival.
Over the centuries, as social conditions changed and rules of behaviours became more codified, manners developed into more situation-specific actions called ‘Etiquette’.
These rules are still essential in certain environments and events, such as work interviews, business meetings, or even in special situations (attending funerals or weddings, protocol events, emergencies, etc.).
Even with today’s speed-of-light communications, it’s specially important to keep a good dose of tech-etiquette to help us navigate the virtual world without bumps.
Some of the most common mistakes in social co-existence and lack of manners are:
* Eating and drinking in the subway or enclosed public spaces not destined for it.
* Not yielding your seat to seniors, pregnant women or disabled people
* Hogging the sidewalk when walking in the street.
* Texting or making phonecalls when at the table or in meetings with others.
* Forget to send birthday and holiday greetings to relatives, friends and close ones.
* Not replying to letters, emails, calls or messages.
* Not replying to greetings in general.
* Speaking in shouts or playing loud music that disturbs others.
* Tossing garbage on the street.
* Not covering your mouth when sneezing or yawning
* Being always late for meetings and appointments.
Many rules of politeness are so ingrained within the fabric of social conduct that they’re considered to be common sense. In spite of this, many people still decide to ignore these conventions, with a consequent negative impact to their social interactions and to the overall level of social exchanges in their community.
We may not notice it, but every small action we do or don’t causes an impact in others, which multiplies and expands throughout our social fabric.
Thus, if not promptly opposed and corrected, what at one point began as an isolated action is replicated exponentially, and ends up becoming a standard conduct among the members of a society.
We often forget that each one of us creates the society we live in.
“A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness.
Bad manners. Lack of consideration for others in small
matters. A loss of politeness, of gentle manners,
is more significant than a riot.”
-Robert A. Heinlein
Although rules of behaviour are not universal and may vary from region to region, many of them are quite standard worldwide, such as respecting elders and being mindful of your actions so as not to offend others.
As with many cultural habits, good manners are also more valued in certain cultures than others.
While most of the Western world has relaxed considerably on its rules of etiquette and politeness since the 20th century, in Asia and the Middle East they are still highly regarded and enforced, and anyone breaking these rules exposes himself to a public rebuke.
Having good manners is more than merely repeating a formula of trite words - courtesy and politeness require conviction and are an attitude towards life that speaks about our own quality as human beings.
Good manners are the framework that made possible all civilizations.
In order to keep the benefits from peace and freedom that we take for granted, and ensure they remain with future generations, we must rescue good manners as one of the most important values of our social interaction and co-existence.
Being polite, courteous and respectful doesn’t take time nor cost a penny, yet it helps us build a more agreeable and harmonious living environment and it’s essential to our survival.
As French essayist Joseph Joubert once stated, “Politeness is the flower of humanity”.
Cultivated through a millennia of evolution, and still flourishing fresh and new in all those who apply it - Who will you offer your flower to?
Sources: Psychology Today, Wikipedia.
Related Articles
Comments
Post a Comment