Self-Control - The Key to a Successful Life

In our times of instant gratification, entitlement to limitless freedom and encouraged hyper-extroversion, the idea of self-control sounds like an outdated and odd, even cruel concept. Why would anyone want to repress oneself?

To some, the sole idea of restraining one’s impulses is unnatural. After all, we are meant to be free and to express ourselves openly, right? To them, any form of repression to total freedom is met, at best, with suspicion.

And yet, self-control is far from being hypocrisy, and it is one of the main pillars of a successful life.

How so? Read on.

What is Self Control?

Psychologists define self-control as the ability to stay on task and avoid distractions, control one’s behaviour in order to achieve goals, and the ability to delay gratification, resisting urges and temptations.

In the 1970s, in his famous ‘Marshmallow experiment’, Dr. Walter Mischel gave children a marshmallow and promised they would get another one if they managed not to eat it until he returned.

As expected, not all children were able to resist the temptation, but those who did - controlling their impulses and delaying their gratification- , were later found to have achieved higher academic results in school. 

This result is corroborated by other studies, such as Duckworth & Seligman’s study “Self-discipline outdoes IQ in predicting Academic Performance of Adolescents.”

Why is Self-Control Important?

Aside from endowing us with greater academic achievement, self-control is an essential character trait that allows us to interact successfully with others and function in society.

People who do not control themselves, their impulses, their needs, and their emotions are prone to misunderstandings, outbursts and clashes with others, all of which damage their ability to create relationships and establish social bonds.

Self control is also necessary to achieve our goals. Whether losing weight or winning an award, every goal requires discipline and the restraint of our most elementary impulses.

Those unable to control themselves seldom achieve anything.

Not less importantly, self-control also enables us to work well with others and live harmoniously in community.

Every activity done in a group requires the suppression of our individualism in favour of a common goal. Those who are unable to follow rules or share with others, often end up having adaptation problems and may be even isolated and ostracised.

In addition to these, several studies have determined that people who have a healthy self-regulation of their impulses feel happier, report having less stress and feel more satisfied with their lives.

Part of this is because they have managed to control impulses and emotions that may lead to negative consequences, such as overspending, overeating, procrastination, shop-lifting, being conflictive, exhibiting violent behaviour, etc.

Not surprisingly, people who show poor self-control are linked to a variety of difficulties in life, from problems with neighbours and colleagues to problems with the law.

How Do We Learn Self Control?

Some researchers have posited that some people are genetically prone to have better self-control than others.

While this is debatable, it’s undeniable that our surrounding culture during our earliest formative years have an important impact in our ability to control ourselves.

Most children learn self-restraint from the prompts given by their parents and guardians. A child who notices that his tantrums are rewarded with extra attention, will be less likely to control himself than a child who notices that his outbursts are met with reproval.

Older generations seemed to be a lot better at controlling their impulses and at submitting themselves to discipline.

This is because the approved socio-cultural conventions of past times enforced order and discipline from an early age, and extreme individualism was suppressed in favour of the collective benefit, a concept many times declared in the ideal of ‘leaving something for future generations’.

In this social structure, children were expected to behave from an early age, and tantrums, bouts of anger, intemperance or violent behaviour were not tolerated.

Over the years, this early emotional repression was considered damaging to the development of the individual, and was changed to the more lax and permissive rules of behaviour present nowadays.

However, this proves that in the vast majority of cases, self-restraint is a learned behaviour, subject to external conditions of upbringing, and not genetic or conditions out of our control.

Perhaps the only exception are cases in which the individual presents medical conditions that affect the correct functioning of the executive system in the brain (in charge of self-control, among other tasks), such as ADHD, severe dyslexia, autism, etc.

If a person does not develop self-control while still young, it will be much harder to attain it during adulthood, with negative consequences for his life.

How To Develop Self Control?

Aside from the education given by their parents and guardians, engaging children in certain activities that they may enjoy, such as gymnastics, ballet and music lessons, will help them develop self control.

Reading books - as opposed to reading short texts, such as text messages, newspaper articles and comics - also helps build self-control, as this activity requires attention, focus and a level of physical restraint for a sustained period of time.

Board games with clear restrictive rules, such as chess, snakes and ladders, and checkers, also help develop self-control in children, along with patience, strategy and other positive character traits.

As a rule of thumb, any discipline that requires concentration, dedication, perseverance and discipline will also strengthen the self-control in the individual.

As an added bonus, some of these activities may also strengthen social skills, such as cooperation, sharing and effective team work.

Adults who wish to develop or strengthen their self-control may also try the following suggestions:

* Practice Self-Control: start on small things and then proceed to more important restrictions. Practice daily.
* Break your goal into manageable bits: a clear and short-termed goal (‘not eat sugar today’) is more attainable and easier to achieve than a vague, long-term goal ('reduce my sugar intake').
* Think before you act: considering the consequences of your acts will help you stay on goal.
* Remember, you are not a victim of your actions - you always have a choice.
* Meditate: Focussing on your goal and the benefits it will render you once you attain it, will provide you with strength to resist temptation.
* Avoid temptation.
* Reward yourself: Once you have achieved your daily goal, reward yourself with something useful towards achieving your final goal.

Part of successful self-control begins with our own emotional awareness.

In order to control ourselves, we first need to identify the emotions associated with the trigger of our actions, and understand why we feel the way we do. Once we do this, we will be more able to adjust our reactions towards our set goal.

To Learn More...

To read the abstract of doctors Duckworth and Seligman’s study “Self-discipline outdoes IQ in predicting academic performance of adolescents”, click on the link:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16313657/

To read an interesting article on "Willpower and Gratification" based on Walter Mischel’s Marshmallow test, by the American Psychological Association:
https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/willpower-gratification.pdf